Most of the photographs I took are variations of: ”I wish I died right now”, a stifling black, suffocating aesthetic. Black and white images - death and mourning. I don't feel joy while watching them, but the tremor of meeting the beloved one's tombstones. The click of the camera is like seppuku - I experience, simultaneously, the conservation and the death of the object trapped within the photosensitive casket. I feel the absence of every person or event, becoming yet more present through their absence.
The story with the image started like an unconscious pulsation, much later it became conscious and assumedly integrated into my existence. The frames have become mirrors for the projective eruption, a kind of Lacanian stage. Thus the series contains the road taken from the 1st person to the 3rd person, the image being supported by grasping the dissociating act of comprehension of the whole, by its deconstruction and not its construction.
I found the analogy of the aesthetic solution, integrating contrasting, grainy, unclear images, with the alchemical process whose name is borne by the Nigredo series, related to decomposition, to combustion, to an unconscious state of non-differentiation between Self and object, between the conscious and the unconscious.
In 2013, in one second I lost all the digitally stocked material. I have permanently lived with “this cannot happen to me”. I had no nervous breakdown, nor a violent reaction, however, it was painful for a moment to become aware of the illusion of what I thought I had done and possessed, discovering thus the release and calm occurring after the detachment from loss. It's just the end, the end of something.
